Flirting and Harassment: What to Do

It started with the Hollywood bigwig, then Westminster, and now, accusations of sexual harassment are coming out all over. Once someone has the guts to tell on these guys, victims come out of the woodwork. Seriously, some of the complaints are ludicrous. “He wrote me a compliment.” “He touched my knee.” Oh, they really happened, and they were unwanted. True. But seriously? Was this horrific?

So, what is flirting, and what is harassment? How can you tell the difference?

Let’s just talk, okay?

A man in the office compliments a woman on her appearance. She has several options in that moment. She can say, “Thank you,” with a smile—which might encourage the guy. She can also frown at him. Is any other action needed? No, I don’t think so.

Let’s pretend the man goes further with his flirtation. He makes it obvious he wants to take her out and actually asks her. The woman has the options yes or no. Does she want to date this guy? Does she not? She needs to word her answer in very clear language.

Both of these scenarios would be called flirting. I am not sure it’s terrible to compliment someone in the office. It might not be advisable, though. It’s probably best to keep to business behavior in the office. Personal lives can be conducted outside.

Any unwanted touching—any that you’re not comfortable with—should be immediately rebuffed. When the British Member of Parlaiment put his hand on the woman’s knee, she threatened to punch him in the face. Needless to say, he got the message—and he didn’t try anything with her again. It is important to immediately tell the person your opinion about the action and make it stop. If it doesn’t stop, it should be reported to the appropriate person. No one has the right to make unwanted advances.

Harassment is unwanted touching or stalking. It is inappropriate. It is usually also repeated and constant. Harassment should be rebuked and reported—every single time. The victim should go on record to her immediate authority that she does not appreciate this named person’s behavior. (Many states will help with a restraining order for any harassment that makes one feel actually threatened.)

Why does harassment go unreported (or ignored)? It’s because of fear. Usually, it’s a person in authority who picks on someone lower down the scale. The more powerful person takes advantage of an underling, and he thinks he’s invincible and entitled. This happens in almost every business. It’s not just in Hollywood!

It even happens in churches.

What should we do?

• Keep our eyes open. Is this a threatening situation? Do we feel comfortable or uncomfortable?
• Is this appropriate? For example, it is never appropriate for a married person to flirt. It’s not appropriate for married people even to compliment the opposite sex—unless there’s a huge age difference—and then, with caution. (For example, I might tell a child who’s all dressed up for church that he looks nice. I would not tell a middle-aged man the same thing, and I would certainly not tell a man my age anything about his appearance, unless he were my brother.)
• If the flirtation is between two singles, it needs to be pure and sweet, not sexual in nature.
• Any touching should be as normal between friends, and nothing more. If any unwanted touching happens, we let the other person know in clear terminology it is not appreciated. We also tell a trusted friend about what happened. If the touching is groping, we tell the authorities in the church and police.
• It is wise to be careful about being anywhere alone with another person. This goes for same sex as well as the opposite sex. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you might be falsely accused. You also would not want to be overpowered or assaulted. Always being careful about being alone with others will help you avoid being in a situation where someone could take advantage of you.

If you work outside the home, these are some good rules for your protection:

1. If you are married, display your spouse’s picture on your desk or at your workplace. Talk positively about your spouse often. Make sure that anyone fishing for possibilities realizes you are simply not available.
2. If you are single, watch your own behavior. Get rid of any conscious or unconscious come-ons. Make sure you dress modestly and keep to yourself. Make sure you don’t flirt. A smile is fine. Flirting is not. Keep all relationships businesslike.
3. Do not go into a room alone with another person, unless the door is left open. Avoid being in “hidden” places where someone might trap you. Keep out in the open always. If you feel insecure, ask a coworker to walk with you.
4. Never have a meal one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex. It might be purely business, but it looks (and feels) like a date. Make it your business policy always to have business lunches or dinners in a threesome.
5. You might want to invest in one of those pull alarms. If you ever feel threatened, pull the pin. 

If anything ever happens to you—groping, unwanted advances, propositions, harassment, or assault—always, always report it to the authority over you. Write down the date you do that. Make sure it gets reported! If the authority does not deal with the problem and the offender isn’t reprimanded, go higher. Go as high as you need to so that this problem is dealt with.

If you feel harassed, you can go to the police and fill out a report. If you have been assaulted in any way, fill out a police report. Any assault is a crime against your person.

One other thing: be careful what you repeat and what you believe. Anyone can accuse anyone. Make sure you know the facts. Do not spread gossip. If the case is not about you personally, it’s none of your business. Don’t be guilty of spreading news that isn’t helpful. Let the authorities deal with any subject of harassment or assault. The Apostle Paul said about some young women, And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not (1 Timothy 5:13). None of us wants to be guilty of that!

Be aware and cautious.

Jesus said, Behold, I send you forth as sheep 

in the midst of wolves:

be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. 

(Matthew 10:16)