Today’s post is an interview with a real
woman. It is not an easy read. For anonymity, we’ll call her Lisa, not her actual name.
Hi,
Lisa, and welcome to “In the Way.” Thank you for
being willing to share your story so that you can help other women.
ITW When did you first meet your abuser?
Lisa We met
at a Christian college. He was from a good family, really polite and gentle,
and he talked about the Bible all the time. We lived near each other, so we
spent vacations together and had a lot of fun. But, there were big red flags
from the start: he didn’t like following college rules, he wasn’t diligent in
his studies, he tried at every opportunity to get physical, my mother didn’t
like him, and he talked badly about his parents.
ITW
When did the abuse begin, and can you give us an idea of the kind of treatment you
suffered?
Lisa The
abuse began within a month or two of when we started dating and continued for forty
more years, until I fled for my safety. I experienced physical, sexual, mental,
financial, verbal, spiritual, and emotional abuse. I saw it as his wanting and
loving me, and I was naively sure he would change. I had felt unloved as a
child and thought no one would ever want to marry me, so I didn’t want to lose him. He wanted to be physical from the
start. (I learned later that he was into porn from the age of twelve.) He manipulated
me in a myriad of ways, including convincing me to leave university before the
end of the term—he had been kicked out—and agree to elope.
Another
aspect was the spiritual abuse. He told me that God commanded me to submit to
him as if he were God Himself, “in everything.” He believed from the Bible that
it was his job to make me submit, misusing
the washing of water by the word verse
(Ephesians 5:26). Abusers twist other verses, too, to keep control, like let not the wife depart (1 Corinthians
7:10). I felt trapped.
My
husband even spanked me for disobedience for a period of time. He often
threatened, with his hand on the phone, to call our pastor and tell him how non-submissive
I was. Then, there was the violence that kept me in fear: restraining my arm if
I left the conversation before he’d given his permission, choking and
hair-pulling, hiding the car keys, locking me out of the house, pushing me out
of the car to walk home alone, pinning me down, threatening with a loaded gun,
etc.
There
was mental abuse. I was not allowed to: send an email without his approval,
call anyone, talk to a male at church (even concerning business), or get a
babysitter except when I delivered babies. He gave me errands to do during the
day while I ran a large family and homeschooled them. I was expected to drop
whatever I was doing and come to do whatever he commanded—even if one of the
little ones had just fallen and cut himself. Once, when I was nine months
pregnant and sitting in the next room, he ordered me to get him a drink, while he
stood leaning against the refrigerator! Asking him if he’d mind doing that
himself this time because it was so hard for me to get out of the chair did not
change his mind. He would make me sit for hours while he pontificated on
different biblical topics and nothing would convince him to give me permission
to leave until he was done.
As far
as sexual abuse, he twisted I Corinthians 7 to demand physical relations up to
seven times a day, whether or not it was convenient. He didn’t care that it
made me late for important events.
In later
years, he would rant at me in a disturbingly sadistic way for hours, falsely
accusing me of everything under the sun. I would try apologizing for what I didn’t do, assuring him of my love and
submission, yell at him to stop, beg, cry, etc., but nothing worked. He would
hold my chin close to his face and force me to look him in the eyes while he
insulted, demeaned and blamed me for things he
had done, not me. When he stopped holding my face, I was not allowed to leave
his sight or else he’d throw me against the wall. Sometimes, I would crawl
under the bed to get out of his gaze. Then he would suddenly demand sex—after
all that horrible treatment! He constantly raped me because I was scared to
death to say no. When I struggled, he’d choke me or do anything to control me.
(My counselor says there is always sexual abuse in domestic violence cases. It
is one of the main ways they keep control.)
ITW Did
this situation get worse as the years went by?
Lisa
Absolutely, as
abuse always does. Emotional abuse, statistically, evolves into physical
violence. It got very scary.
ITW Did
you ever reach out for help? If so, who did you tell?
Lisa No, I
didn’t dare. The first time he shook my crying firstborn at three months, I
took the baby away and ran outside, but it was dark. I had no money or car and
was in a strange city with no friends. There are many reasons victims don’t leave,
and they all applied to me. One reason I didn’t reach out for help was isolation.
He had alienated me from my family while we were dating, so I had nowhere to
turn. There were not many organizations that helped people in domestic violence
situations back in the seventies, and truthfully, I thought he just had an
anger problem. I had never heard of abuse or the cycle of abuse. I just knew I
felt so alone and alienated. My song and life were being methodically crushed
out of me. We moved an average of every three months for the first ten years of
marriage, so I had no friends to confide in. I couldn’t compare my marriage to
normal relationships. I was not allowed to go out alone, just a friend and I,
until my last child was several years old.
After
all our children were born, my husband told our pastor he was “called to the
mission field,” so after that, I felt that it would shame the name of Christ to
tell anyone what went on behind closed doors. I felt that, abusers being
charming as they usually are, no one would believe me anyway. After I became a
pastor’s wife in another country, women would periodically say, “I wish I could
talk to you about my marriage problems, but you wouldn’t understand, because
your marriage is so perfect. Your husband is so gentle and wise.” No one knew
the truth.
I did
tell a pastor once, but his counseling wrongly focused on my submitting more
(even though he said he’d never met a more submissive woman) and on anger and
communication skills for my husband.
One of
my fears was not being sure I’d be believed. Others saw my husband very
differently, and he would discredit my testimony, so I chose to suffer in
silence and swallow my pain.
When almost
all my children were grown, our pastor back home found out. He’d been told about the abuse by several of our
children and a friend, but it wasn’t until the next child told him that the
pastor acted. He gathered data and confronted my husband and me, made him
resign from the church and our mission board, and move back to our home country
for intense counseling.
After
six years of counseling and accountability, we all thought my husband had
changed. They let us move back to the mission field, but only to help out, not
to pastor. Within a year, my husband was worse than before, this time even hurting
vulnerable people in our ministry. He was pulled from that, and I fled the same
day.
ITW Were
your children also mistreated?
Lisa Sadly,
yes, big time. Spankings focused on breaking the child’s will. My children were
beaten from 50 to 100 strokes and always left bruised and bleeding. The boys
were told to strip and bend over grabbing their ankles. (The legal term is
sexual assault.) Crying too loud added more swats and crying too softly meant the
strokes didn’t hurt enough. My husband sometimes used a solid wood baseball
bat. After trying to reason with him in private didn’t work, I would burst into
the room screaming for him to stop and grab his arm, but he would just hurt me,
too, and make it worse for the child due to my “lack of submission.” He would
have the children work for him and never pay what he promised. He spanked them
for inconveniencing him, all the while thinking he was “raising a godly
generation for the Lord.” He demanded that one of our adult sons change his opinion to match his.
ITW Were
your children aware of what was happening to you?
Lisa Not for
the first maybe ten years, as far as I’m aware, because I was convinced that it
was my job to make my husband look good and cover for him. So when he yelled, I
explained in private to my three older children that he’d had a hard day. By the time my the children were older, they came
to me insisting that something be done. I agreed with them for the first time
in my life, but I mistakenly responded that God is sovereign, and we should
just focus on loving their father anyway and not become bitter. They heard their
father yelling at me through the bedroom walls, but he would come out and tell
them I was not submitting, or I would come out and claim the blame. All of them
in their late teens were doing what they could to protect me.
ITW How
did it affect them?
Lisa
Honestly, in
ways that to this day I can’t fully fathom. As teens, they would hide in their
rooms when he came home from work and have as little contact as possible. Their
spirits were crushed repeatedly. Even today, they feel worthless. They learned
to suppress their emotions and put on a smiling façade. They felt unloved and
used and suffered hypocrisy on a regular basis, as what had just been preached
an hour before was negated in the home. Their reactions have included gender
dysphoria, drugs, atheism, and mental disorders, including depression, bi-polar
and schizophrenia. One daughter and her husband had to work through her viewing
her husband as what she’d seen of her dad. Our sons have focused on patience in
their parenting. With the exception of one, all are very supportive of me and
live as contributors to their communities. All have or are still working
through the trauma of their past.
ITW
You mentioned that you left. Did you report your husband? What did you do to
stop the abuse?
Lisa After nearly forty years of marriage, the day after he’d been pulled from our ministry
position, and after he’d tried to kill me with dangerous driving, I knew that I would go insane and that I’d
be murdered if I didn’t do something. God said, “Run!” It wasn’t a vision or
anything mystical; it was just an overpowering realization that God had released
me to leave after all those years of torture.
My husband watched me gather my
things and didn’t say a word. After I left, my children insisted that I never
go back. I was still naively hoping that a separation would wake him up, but I
was looking through rose-colored glasses and forgetting the six years during
which he’d had that chance. I got a protection order, but I wasn’t
ready to make a police report at that point, even though the police begged
me to. I had to heal first. Eventually, I moved in with one of my sons and
began the healing process. I sent my husband a list of steps he could take if
he wanted to reconcile our marriage, but I didn’t expect him to try. I intended
to give him hope, if he wanted to do the right thing. Soon afterwards, he was
in one romantic relationship after another. Then, he divorced me.
I’ve
gotten help from domestic violence counselors, but my biggest help has been my son
with whom I live. He has spent many hours untwisting the verses my husband used
as weapons. He’s there to point out my incessant use of “I’m sorry” and
apologizing for existing. He helps me bring out my own opinions, learn who I am
as a person, and is a constant source of encouragement. All but one of my
children have been supportive.
ITW Can
you give some words of advice to other women living with abusive husbands or
partners?
Lisa
- No
matter who you are, educate yourself online as to what domestic violence and
emotional abuse is! It is vital because it is a unique paradigm. Everyone
is either in an abusive situation or knows someone who is. There is so much
information and help for women now. Besides shelter and food, there are even
organizations that provide free facial-restructuring surgery to women who need
it. Laws are changing to reflect the new awareness and statistics.
- Look for
the red flags when a relationship first begins—and teach your daughters and
other young women. Abusers are usually well liked and charming, often showering
you with gifts and flattering you by wanting you all for themselves. Read up on
this.
- In a
marriage, believe that God made you unique and in His image and your spouse
should give you permission to be a person in your own right and not invalidate
or squelch every opinion or desire. There should be equal give and take in a
marriage, not one person doing all the giving.
- Since my
dad left my family when I was a little girl, I believed my children would be
better off if I stayed with their dad. But, no dad is better than an abusive
dad. And, my heavenly Father does not reject me like my earthly father did.
- God does
give permission to separate from an abusive situation. My husband broke his
marriage vows years before. I needed protection from his crimes against me. God
hates violence, lying, and oppression.
ITW Can
you share any specific Bible verses that have helped you?
Lisa The
first counseling session after my husband was forced to resign and go back home was with me alone—fact gathering. The
pastor gave me Psalm 5:11-12, But let all those that
put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou
defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. For
thou, LORD, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield. I exalt and praise God
because He is the reason I am still alive. Murder and suicide were both very
real options, but I wrapped myself around God and desperately clung to Him.
There is
so much that could be said, but when I realized that God wanted me to submit to
Him and not to evil, a great burden lifted. When I realized that God is against
oppressors and will destroy them,* I cried. When I understood that I was not
alone, that there were other women out there with the exact same experiences,
and that the cycle of abuse existed, heart-wrenching sobs burst from my throat
for a long time. I was not insane after all!
I have several
favorite verses:
- Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10a).
- From the end of the earth (I was on the other
side of the world.) will I cry unto thee,
when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2).
- He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense (Psalm 62:2a).
- My refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all
times; ye people, pour out your
heart before him: God is a
refuge for us. Selah (Psalm 62:7b-8).
ITW Have
you overcome? Do you still have irrational fears?
Lisa The scars will always be there. Always. I
still repeatedly apologize for expressing an opinion or making a simple
mistake. I involuntarily flinch when walking away from someone. I have an overwhelming
fear of people. I will neglect important things/needs to make sure everyone is
happy. I blame myself for everything. I shudder at the thought of developing a
romantic relationship. I feel fury when I sense that an authority figure is
abusing his power. I have trouble identifying and expressing my feelings, due
to submerging them for years. I shake and breathe shallow when I tell people my
story. I fight for the underdog. I assume people don’t like me, and I am still
figuring out who I am as a person.
ITW What
would you like to say to women in similar situations to yours?
Lisa If you’ve educated yourself and recognize
you are in an abusive situation, step back and separate for a while, giving
your husband a chance to take seriously what is happening. You cannot change
him, but you can change you.
Do not
equate forgiving with reconciliation. I have forgiven, but there can be no
reconciliation until there is genuine repentance and a pattern of change, proven
over time.
Find a
church that understands the dynamics of abuse and doesn’t just tell you to
submit more and that your abuser needs to work on his communication skills. Do
not do “marriage counseling” with both of you together. That creates a
situation that, whatever the wife says, she knows she will suffer unpleasant
consequences later at home.
Do not
fear, for God is holding your right hand. There is life after abuse, and God is especially close to the oppressed.**
Truly. Cling to your Rock and once you find yourself in a safe place, find a domestic
violence therapist/counselor who can help you sort through the residual
effects, get your sanity back, and heal. Then, you can enjoy being you and begin
a productive life with new freedom and new friends.
*Psalm
72:4
**Psalm
9:9; 103:6; 146:7
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