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Monday, August 17, 2015

Does Your Boyfriend or Husband Look at Porn?

Do you know if he does?

If you’re in a relationship, you have the right to ask questions. One of them should be, “Do you look at porn?” Why? Because it has a lot to do with his character, and you truly want someone with a strong, discipined character who will value you.

What does pornography do to a person’s mind? Well, of course, it depends on how much is viewed. I've read that a man’s mind is like an archive of images.* Those images are there, whether he’s presently thinking about them or not. An image can pop up at any time. Pornography causes the opposite of thinking on those things that are pure. (Philippians 4:8)

Jesus said, I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart (Matthew 5:28). Viewing pornography is adultery in the heart.

If you’re in a relationship with a person who lusts after other women, you’re dating someone who continually commits heart adultery. No, it’s not exactly the same as physical adultery, but it's still a very serious sin.

Some women think “everyone does it; it’s no big deal.” Well, thankfully, not everyone does it. There are still some good men out there who want pure minds and hearts. Viewing pornography is a big deal. It’s adultery in the heart. It's violent, twisted, and not pure.

Can you trust someone who has this habit? I don’t think so.

Consider these verses: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government (dominion, lordship). Presumptuous are they, self-willed, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities. . . . Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children (2 Peter 2: 10, 14).

Obviously, these verses may have several applications, but they seem to accurately outline porn addiction. People need counseling and therapy to rid themselves of the addiction to porn. At the very least, to be cured, they need to be accountable to someone. Just as gambling and substances can lead to real addiction, so can pornography. Only meditation on the Word of God and accountability can help someone overcome this sin.

So, what do you do if you know your boyfriend uses porn?

  • Confront him. Ask him if he’s willing to give it up. If so, support him as he gets counsel and accountability.
  • If he acts like it’s no big deal and refuses to confess his sin and get help, break up with him. He needs to get this issue dealt with. You don’t want to pursue a relationship where there’s not trust and purity. You certainly don't want to be married to someone who has this sinful practice in his life.

What do you do if it’s your husband?

  • Confront him in love. Ask him if he’s willing to give it up. If he is, encourage him to get support, counsel, and accountability. Set up some rules/filters/etc. for computer use. If he’s repentant, forgive him and work together towards developing mutual trust again. It will take time, as this habit was a violation of your marriage vows, but it is possible. You may both need counseling.

Long-time porn use damages the mind. It twists the mind. It’s a sin problem, and it hurts a man’s relationship with God and his wife. It completely hinders his prayer life.

  • Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth (habitually) sin is the servant of sin (John 8:34).
  • Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

It also harms the body. Men who are addicted to pornography have issues with intimacy in marriage.

When the Apostle Paul addressed habitual sin and grace, he said, What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein? Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him (Jesus), that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead is freed from sin. Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him: Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him. For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof (Romans 6:1-2, 6-12). Sin must be forsaken. Lust needs to be put away. A Christian should be dead to sin—not letting it rule him—and alive to Christ.

Whosoever is born of God doth not (continually) commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot (continually) sin, because he is born of God (1 John 3:9).

Women, do you have a porn problem? Oh yes, many women are addicted to visual, audio, script porn, and sexually explicit novels. I’ve read that one half of porn users are women! If you view or read pornography, you need counseling and accountability. Get help! Repent of your sin, and by the grace and help of the Lord, turn your back on porn and substitute pure activities.

Do you know if your children have been exposed to pornography? Have honest, frank, age-appropriate conversations with them, especially about what they do when they're with their friends. Help them know that porn is a distortion of sexuality and that it's not a real representation. Help them understand that, for anyone who wants a good, godly life, pornography should be taboo. It is not pure and clean, and it is dangerous to their minds. If your child has been exposed to porn (maybe with a friend), help him to know how to avoid it in the future. Help him to know what to do if someone brings out dirty pictures. Equip him to know ahead of time what action to take. (For example, we told ours simply to say, "I need to go home now" and then to come home.) 

Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks (Ephesians 5:1-4).

And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly;
and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body
be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

(1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)


Some recommended reading on this subject:

*For Women Only, What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn.


  1. Helpful to know as I talk to young girls about their relationships! Thanks again, LouAnn!

    1. Thank you, Carol. God bless you as you minister to others.


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