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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Looking for Love

Why do girls ignore all common sense when it comes to love?
  • Why is it that a handsome face and smooth words trump character, stability, and resourcefulness?
  • Why is it that Christian girls date “evangelistically,” thinking that surely the handsome hunk they’re dating will change and become a Christian?
  • Why do so many books for women emphasize a physical, electric attraction for a man and de-emphasize the things that really matter: his self-control and respect for her body, for one.
  • Why do mothers not teach their daughters practical guidelines about purity in dating?
  • Why do girls throw themselves at young men, giggling, posing, batting their eyelashes, calling them, texting them?
  • Why do very lovely women advertise themselves on Christian dating sites in hopes of digitally meeting Mr. Right? 

Did you know that Christian women the world over are reaping the consequences of these actions?

Oh yes, there’s the exception that ends in a happy marriage. And, I’m sincerely glad for the couple. Once in a great while “evangelistic dating” works, and the man becomes a dedicated Christian, even before the wedding date. Sometimes, a romance that begins as physical ends up with a deep connection and friendship. Sometimes. And, from time to time, the girl who threw herself at a young man actually gets him to marry her, and they live happily ever after—even if he would have preferred to have started the relationship himself. And yes, there are some decent results from Christian online dating sites . . . sometimes.

But, “happily ever after” is the exception. Usually (like almost always), when a woman disobeys the biblical model, she ends up with heartache. Mr. Handsome and Dashing ends up being violent or emotionally abusive. He went to church with her before the wedding, but he hasn’t darkened the door since. He looked so promising on his online profile, but his true profile turned out to be different.

And now, she’s married to him. She believes in life-long commitment. But he’s cheating on her. She is trying to please him, but he’s asking the almost impossible. She wants to bring up their children in church, and he wants no part of God.

This happens time after time after time.


Part of the reason is because many women go about dating in entirely the wrong way. Let me explain.

Biblically, a couple should be of the same faith. (Exodus 34:16; Deuteronomy 7:1-3; Amos 3:3; 2 Corinthians 6:14) A Christian woman has no business whatsoever dating a man who doesn’t manifest the fruit of the Spirit in his life. (NOTE: You will never marry an unbeliever if you never date one.)

A couple should value purity before marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:1; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; 2 Timothy 2:22) We can teach our young women how to stay away from situations that lead to temptation. It isn’t so hard to do! Here are some helpful dating guidelines:
  • Always date a Christian man. Never even consider dating anyone else.
  • Date in public places—somewhere that someone could walk by at any minute. It isn’t as hard as it sounds. You can go to: the mall, a restaurant, a concert, take a walk, go biking, do sports together, a park, etc. Use your imagination. Just don’t go for hikes out in the wilderness, into a house by yourselves, or any other isolated place.
  • Never park the car to talk. Get out of the car. (Only use the car for transportation.)
  • If necessary, agree with your date on your dating standards. (Example: “I don’t want to get more physical than holding hands/a good-night kiss.”) If he doesn’t respect your wishes, you have the wrong man. (In the future, he won’t listen to you, either.) Draw a line, and discipline yourselves to stick to it. In a dating relationship, it’s much more important to talk than to touch! Value respect and purity. 

Biblically, a woman should never chase a man. Do you realize that the biblical women who chased men were either prostitutes or loose women? (Genesis 19:30-36; 38:14-19; harlots; the “strange women” in Proverbs) Not one righteous woman in Scripture ever chased her husband. (This includes Ruth. Read my post, “Did Ruth Chase Boaz?”) A man wants to “catch” his wife. He doesn’t want to be “caught” by her. A wise woman will encourage a good man’s advances, but she will let herself be caught instead of going fishing herself. She will trust God to bring the right man to her and will completely leave it up to God. She will be active in her church, serving the Lord. This is a freeing way to live. A woman serves the Lord until someone comes along and shows his interest in her. Then, it is perfectly okay to encourage him, but let him take the leadership.

I personally have my doubts about online dating. I’m not saying it never works, as I am familiar with a couple of cases where it did work. What I am saying is that it seems to be a means of getting yourself out there into the “marketplace.” I am not sure how this jibes with trusting the Lord to bring you together.

God can orchestrate many, many different situations in order to bring people together. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Two different Christian adults from two totally different backgrounds end up in the same place (many times, in a church or a Christian university) at the same time. They get to know each other in a normal setting, and they become friends. They realize there is something more. They begin to date—purposefully and purely—and some time later, they’re engaged and married.

Can we trust God? If we can trust God for food, clothing, and guidance, can’t we trust Him to lead us to the one He has for us, and him to us? Does Proverbs 3:5-6 apply to our love life as well as other things?

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart.
(Proverbs 3:5)


  1. Si claro que se puede confiar también para esto en el Señor pues creo que esto (Pr. 3:5-6) se refiere en todo, tanto en lo personal como en lo demás. Yo lo comprendí tarde, sabia lo que era correcto pero no lo comprendía. Pero ahora soy feliz como estoy aunque tengo mis luchas como todos.

    1. Thank you, Tere, and may God bless your life.

  2. Good advice. We have a young couple in our church who met via a Christian online dating service, are married, and now expecting their first child and very happy, but it's still not the route I would recommend for people.

    Another caution I'd recommend is to be careful what you read and watch. Having sex very soon in the relationship is the "norm" in the world, and if we're constantly feeding ourselves that kind of story, it's easier to let ourselves go that way even if we know we shouldn't.

    1. Very good, Barbara. Yes, what we "feed" our minds and brains affects us. The sexual relationship in entertainment seems to be an expression of lust and not committed love. It's important to teach our children and our churches the difference. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! God bless!


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