"I will make you submit!"--Domestic Abuse in the Christian Sphere

I can’t tell you all their stories. I can’t reveal their names. But, you’d be surprised how many Christian women tell the story ... of abuse. Most are married, and their husbands claim to be Christians.

Let me stop right here. The word Christian means “follower of Christ.” Just keep that in mind while I continue.

Wifely submission is taught in the Bible. You can find it in: Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; and 1 Peter 3:1-6. The Greek word for submission is a military term which means “to arrange or rank under.”* This means that a woman voluntarily and joyfully agrees that she’s a different rank from her husband, because he's the designated head of the home. In other words, he’s the General, and she’s the Lieutenant General. “The buck stops here” applies to her husband. God holds him responsible for everything that goes on in his home.

According to the Bible, how is a man supposed to love his wife?

• Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25).
• With what attitude? Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Colossians 3:19).
• Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

How does Christ love the church? He sacrificed heaven for it. He gave His lifeblood for it. He eternally cares for it.

What does love mean? Charity (love) suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).

We'll go to a too-common scenario: the husband isn’t pleased with his wife for some reason. He’s angry. He starts shouting, “You must submit to me! I will make you submit!”

What’s wrong with these statements? The first is a distortion—twisted use—of biblical truth, and the second is totally inappropriate and reprehensible. Yes, a wife is supposed to gladly submit the ultimate decision to her husband. The Bible doesn’t say she can’t disagree, state her opinion, or have her own ideas. The Bible doesn’t strip her of personhood and thinking for herself! Instead of yelling, a husband and wife can have an amicable discussion about any subject. Then, the husband has the last say, in the case of a difference of opinion. The wife gladly yields to his decision, because he will pay the consequences, good or bad. Does this make sense to you?

Let me share a true example: A man comes to the door of a house with a sad story. (By the way, he’s driving a luxury car with a garment bag hung in the back of it.) The husband answers the door. This man tells the husband that he has fallen into bad times. His wife is sick, and he needs money to get to a certain city. The husband immediately feels sorry for the man and promises him money, but he doesn’t have it on him; will the man follow him to the bank? As the husband puts on his jacket, the wife asks what is going on. She has a gut feeling that the man at the door is less than honest, but the husband is insistent; he wants to help the “poor” man. The wife agrees to disagree. Later, the husband does not get his money back—as the “poor” guy at the door promised—and he learns a lesson. The wife doesn’t say, “I told you so.” She doesn’t have to! Her husband has learned a life lesson. She submitted to her husband's wrong decision. It wasn’t forced. She expressed her gut feeling and opinion to him, and then she yielded the reins. 

When wives do this, men learn. When men learn, they trust their wives for wise advice. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Proverbs 31:11a).

Let’s go back to the husband who screams, “I will make you submit to me!” First, his angry tirade shows he's lost control. That is not walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). It’s also not showing his wife love and honor. Yelling—even nose-to-nose “quiet yelling”—is an ugly way to interact. This is totally unacceptable behavior in God’s sight. And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity (2 Peter 1:5-7).

The home is designed to reflect the order in the Godhead. There’s a beautiful three-way parallel between the way God expresses submission in the Godhead, the church and the Lord, and husband and wife. Read these two passages:

          Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:22-33).

          But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Wow!

Let’s review God’s order. Look at 1 Corinthians 11:3, above: God—Christ—husband—wife. What did you notice here? Is Christ less than God the Father? No, but repeatedly, He submitted Himself to His Father. Is the woman less than the man? No. When God created Adam and Eve, He said they were “good.” Neither had more value than the other. This is about order.

What should you do if your husband demands submission, if he misuses and twists the Bible to cover up his own sins toward you? If your husband (or fiancé or partner) abuses you emotionally, verbally, and/or physically, you need to do two things:

1. Report him. I recommend you confide in a trusted woman friend or close relative. If there’s physical abuse (which is a crime against your person), report it to the authorities. Call the police. Make a statement. Ask for a restraining order and protection. If you have children, get them out of the home while you do this.
2. Do not accept his “I’m sorry” if you’ve left the home, gone back to give him another chance, and you’re beaten again. Get out! Yes, you probably love him and forgive him, but you are enabling his sins against you if you become his punching bag. 

If the abuse is “only” verbal and emotional, refuse to take it. It might mean sitting down with him and in a rational way explaining how you feel. Tell him, “It hurts me when you say ____________.” Give him a chance to repent. (Repentance means saying he’s sorry and not repeating the fault.) A man who is truly sorry will quit saying nasty things to his wife. If he continues to demean and put you down, it might mean you need to leave the home. If your husband is manipulating you to do things against your will, you may have to leave the home. Manipulation is abuse, too.

Submission is not about being made to do something against your will. Elizabeth George says, “Submission is a gift we give our husband.”

The statement, “I will make you submit to me” is not Christ-like, loving, or kind. It is not biblical. It’s just plain wrong.

If you are being abused, please get help. Reach out to someone you can trust. Report crimes against you, and leave a dangerous or abusive situation. Here’s the U.S.A. National Domestic Violence Hotline number, should you need it: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you live in another country, look for domestic abuse or violence phone numbers for your country.

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* The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, Ephesians. John MacArthur, Jr.

  

When God Chooses the Clothes: Looking at Bible Passages You Might Have Missed

A few years back, I was doing a personal study about a biblical view of clothing. You already know the key passages about not putting on gold or pearls or costly array (from 1 Timothy 2:9) but rather putting on a sweet attitude: good works, and a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4).

What you may not have noticed—or maybe you did—is when God puts clothing on a person, it is amazing! Let’s first just read the passages about how God dresses people. (Note: several of these are allegories that teach spiritual truths.)

• For thou preventest him with the blessings of goodness: thou settest a crown of pure gold on his head (Psalm 21:3. God puts the crown on David’s head).
• All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces, whereby they have made thee glad. Kings' daughters were among thy honourable women: upon thy right hand did stand the queen in gold of Ophir. The king's daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework: the virgins her companions that follow her shall be brought unto thee (Psalm 45:8-9, 13-14, upon the occasion of the marriage of Solomon to Pharaoh’s daughter, but also talking about the Lord. See Hebrews 1:8; Ephesians 5:23; and Revelation 19:7).
• Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver (Song of Solomon 1:10-11. About Solomon and his bride and an allegory of Christ and the church).
• I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels (Isaiah 61:10).
• I clothed thee also with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk. I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head. Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and broidered work; thou didst eat fine flour, and honey, and oil: and thou wast exceeding beautiful, and thou didst prosper into a kingdom. And thy renown went forth among the heathen for thy beauty: for it was perfect through my comeliness, which I had put upon thee, saith the Lord GOD (Ezekiel 16:10-14. Allegory of what God did for Israel).
• Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold: the workmanship of thy tabrets and of thy pipes was prepared in thee in the day that thou wast created (Ezekiel 28:13. God even clothed Satan in a gorgeous way before he sinned.)
• Now Joshua (a high priest) was clothed with filthy garments, and stood before the angel. And he answered and spake unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from him. And unto him he said, Behold, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I will clothe thee with change of raiment. And I said, Let them set a fair mitre upon his head. So they set a fair mitre upon his head, and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the LORD stood by (Zechariah 3:3-5). 
• And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold (Revelation 4:4).
• After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands (Revelation 7:9. These are the Tribulation martyrs.)
• Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints (Revelation 19:7-8, the bride of Christ—the church).
• Speaking of Jesus: His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean (Revelation 19:12-14).

So, what have we learned from how God chooses clothing?

1. God spares no expense when blessing His people. He chooses the best, the most elegant, and the finest materials.
2. God loves us and wants to provide the best. He expresses His love through His provision. (Now, this provision may not be fully appreciated until we're in heaven, but we can be sure He is preparing the best for us.)
3. Practically speaking, we might want to change our views about what a Christian woman might and might not wear. Notice in the Ezekiel passage that God provides gorgeous embroidered clothing, shoes, and fine jewelry. She has pierced ears. God says she (Israel) was beautiful, perfect, and comely.
4. We can appreciate salvation with the image of exchanging filthy rags for white, fine linen. What Jesus did for us is amazing! He clothed us in His pure righteousness! We should stand in awe and be filled with praise.
5. The only messy garment in heaven is Jesus’ blood-stained robe. He wears it as a perpetual reminder of the price of salvation.
6. Jesus wears many crowns. He is, after all, the King of kings!

  

Non-fiction Review--Grief Undone: A Journey with God and Cancer

Grief Undone: A Journey with God and Cancer, by Elizabeth W. D. Groves is one of the best books about suffering and death I have ever read. I highly recommend it. It is a joyous, victorious, and realistic account of a husband’s journey through terminal cancer. The book begins when he’s given approximately one year to live.

This is an honest account, written by his wife, about answered prayers, how God worked in their family, frustrations, and complications. His children wrote a few of the chapters as blog posts at the time, but the book is mainly from the wife’s point of view. She shares the Scriptures they hang onto at different times along the way.

I can hardly believe I can use a word like “enjoy” for a book about dying, but I truly enjoyed reading this refreshing account of a Christian family going through the “valley of the shadow of death.”

Easily five stars.

A Taste for Tragedy

We want to read about it, hear about it, hear the survivor testimony, watch the movie, and even cry. We want to know about tragedy. Someone else´s suffering. It attracts. It draws us in.

Why? Perhaps it’s our fascination with news. Maybe it’s because we’re compassionate, and we want to empathize with fellow human beings. It could be because we’re curious, and we want to see how people deal with tragedy. I know I’m always looking for a pleasant ending—how someone overcame—and I’m disappointed if they don’t.

Maybe we’re so interested in sad news and bad news and people’s suffering that we miss what God clearly commands us to be interested in. Yes, the sad news attracts. Yes, we want to know. But, I think Christians need to discipline our minds onto a different track—and the Lord even gives us directions about how to do it.

Let’s look at Philippians 4. It’s a familiar passage, so let’s just delve into it in a little more detail. The Apostle Paul is speaking to the church at Philippi. It begins, Therefore, my brethren dearly beloved and longed for, my joy and crown. This letter is written to believers (brethren). Then, immediately he admonishes them, so stand fast in the Lord, my dearly beloved. These were times of persecution. Paul himself was in prison when he wrote this. He never sat down and wrote about the prison conditions. A couple of times he mentions sickness and feeling cold. He asks for a cloak and a copy of the Scriptures (2 Timothy 4:13).

Imagine if Paul were a blogger today. He’d capture the feeling of being in prison, the sounds, the smells, the treatment of other prisoners, and what it was like to lose a close comrade. It would be filled with emotion. He’d be transparent about his tears and inner struggles. He’d bare his soul about longing for freedom.

Instead, Spirit-filled, he writes, Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. This is how obedience to God contrasts with our human (and selfish) emotions.

Paul further admonishes: Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. He calls for balance in their Christian lives. Oh, how necessary! I feel I’ve spent my whole life searching for the correct balance. (I’ll probably achieve it in heaven.)

For worriers, over-thinkers, workaholics, and anxiety-filled people, he continues: Be careful (anxious) for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. I don’t know about you, but I constantly need to go back to this verse. Instead of freaking out, I need to pray, ask, and give thanks—all three. The result of this kind of prayer is, And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. For me, it’s one of those tried and true passages of the Bible. When I’ve been spazzing over something, harassed by someone, and very upset, I go to this formula for prayer: pray and tell God all about it, ask Him for the need of the moment, and thank God. I might thank Him for listening, for caring, for actually loving me, for Who He is. I spend some time in praise. Afterwards, every time, I know it’s in His hands, and He gives me this awesome peace. It truly passes understanding.

Just about the time we think we’ve wrapped up the passage, Paul instructs about how to think. Drink it in. It’s the secret to a healthy mind and heart. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Christians today might rewrite that passage to say, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are shocking, whatsoever things are horrible, whatsoever things are unfair, whatsoever things are tragic, whatsoever things are destructive, whatsoever things are painful; if there be any sadness, and if there be any reason for mourning, think on these things.”

I fully realize that God has put us in the world. We actually need to be aware of what’s going on around us. We want to be prepared to help others. The Apostle Paul instructed believers to rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep (Romans 12:15). At the same time, we must discipline our minds towards what’s true, honest, lovely, pure, good news, virtuous, and praiseworthy. If we mastered only one verse in the Bible, Philippians 4:8, we’d be different people.

Following that admonition, Paul says the Christians should follow what he had taught and lived, and God through Paul gives a second promise of peace: Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

May the Lord help us change the way we think!

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All biblical quotations not referenced are from Philippians 4:1, 4-9.

Writing the Word--My Devotional Experiment

My friend Anna asked women to join her in a one-month Scripture writing schedule. I did, for the month of July. Here are some of my thoughts and conclusions about copying the Bible as a devotional exercise.

Cons

Can there be any cons about Scripture study of any kind? Not really! My biggest problem was actually doing it. I constantly found myself behind and catching up later. It was hard to carve out extra time every single day to sit and write with a pen in my hand.

Pros

• It’s the nature of the Bible itself, the only living book in the world. For the word of God is quick (Old English for “alive”), and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).
• By writing the passages, I had to slow down. This is good for meditation (thinking about the Word of God).
• When I wrote the sentences out, I was struck with repetitions. A lot of the passages—all were in Psalms—are written in a poetic mode, and repetition is one of the stylistic ways that God makes a point. I ended up circling and boxing different repeated themes.
• As a result of my marking my writing, I was able to make mental lists. This helped me ingest the Word. How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth! (Psalm 119:103).
• It also helped me carry the Word with me through the day—the whole point of personal devotions. O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day (Psalm 119:97). But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night (Psalm 1:2).

Personal Conclusions

1. I felt like the passages on the schedule I used—usually only three or four verses—were very short for one day’s meditation and disciplining one’s self to sitting down and writing.
2. I would have liked for the passages not to have been jumbled up. For example, I noticed I copied part of Psalm 23 one day and another part of it about a week later. It would have made more sense to do verses 1-3 on the first day and 4-6 on the second, to get the whole passage in context. There were other passages that were similarly broken up. One of the ways we understand the Bible is from its context.
3. Writing out Scripture is an excellent way to actually see and retain what you read. I would love to see it used in an in-depth Bible study. The passage to be studied could be written out, and then the study can guide people through circling, highlighting, etc. the verses, so they can easily see the themes of the whole passage. I know a few Bible study methods use something similar, but the people don’t write the passage out themselves at the beginning.
4. One of the drawbacks of writing the Bible is that many people only use computers and phones today. Others might not write at all. (Several of my friends don’t write, since they didn’t have the opportunity to go to school.) So, there are a few limitations to this method.

Was it a blessing to write Scripture? Absolutely! Would I do it again? Yes! Would I maybe change things up? Again, yes!

If you want to get more out of your devotions, try it. Take familiar passages, like Psalm 1, 19, 23, and 100 to begin with. See for yourself how much you retain and how you begin to see themes and repeated words. You’ll begin to meditate on God’s Word throughout the day.

Try it today!

(A big thank you to Anna. You are an example to me.)