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| Photo by Mr. Mike TZ |
I asked my social
media friends who are married to someone from a different ethnic group—not
necessarily a different skin tone—to answer ten questions. Forty-four people answered this survey A huge THANK YOU to all of my participants!
First, we’ll share the questions and responses, and then,
we’ll analyze the results. Are you ready?
Q Is your spouse from: (Check
all that are true for you.)
A A
different ethnic group 73%
Another
home country 89%
A different language
or cultural tradition 82%
The same country 5%
Q Does your spouse
have a different skin tone from you?
A Yes. 80%
No. 20%
Q Before you married,
did you experience any opposition from your families?
A Yes. 39%
No. 61%
Q Does your family
support your marriage now?
A Yes. 91%
No. 9%
Q Do people who don’t
know you look at you funny or think you’re an odd couple?
A Yes. 16%
No. 55%
Only sometimes. 29%
Q What was your most
difficult adjustment in marriage? (Check all that apply.)
A Cultural 72%
Language
difference—communication 33%
Values 31%
Opposition from
family and others 18%
Q Honestly, do you think you as
a couple had more to deal with in marriage than other couples? (If
so, you may explain in the “Comments.")
A Yes. 11%
No, not
more than anyone else. 27%
“We
have had to overcome different ways of thinking and cultural values. We were
raised very differently.”
“A differing imprint during childhood makes it
harder to understand and appreciate some of the differences and hard or nearly
impossible to overcome.”
“Expectations
from both sides. He thought that I should adjust quicker to his country. I
thought he should be more understanding. He had studied in college in my home
country. I had never even visited his country, and we moved there two weeks
after marriage. After a couple of years, he came to appreciate the sacrifices
that I had made to move to his country: climate, languages, food, family, etc.
He came to realize that it is easier to go from less to more than to go from
more to less, and he began to appreciate how much I adjusted to his culture.
Now, more than thirty years later, we are rarely out of sync.”
“We
were dating long distance for several years. After marriage, many of the traits
you learn about someone you date in person, we found out in the first few
months of marriage. I had to pray hard during the first few months. Oh, and his
parents were asking every single day if we are pregnant!”
“Yes,
because we have to deal with different cultural expectations, and I am not
living in my home country. The main difficulties are from the cultural
expectations of the community, though.”
“Language
and cultural barriers are a huge deal. We are still overcoming them after several
years of marriage. Your native culture shapes who you are and how you think,
and if it's a different culture than how your spouse grew up, you need to be
able to talk about the differences and similarities. If it's difficult for you
to express those things due to a language barrier, it can cause problems and
create an environment of frustration because of misunderstandings. Also, when
it comes to parenting, two cultures can clash quickly if you don't talk about
what you'll do in a certain situation before the situation arises. There are
just certain things the West handles differently than the East and I feel like
it's important for us as a cross-cultural couple to create a ‘third culture’ in
our home—one that works for our unique family.”
“Only
to some extent. Culture does play a role, but we are very different
personalities, so that can be an issue even with a spouse from your own
culture.”
“Yes,
we were brought up so differently. We had to find our own way in terms of
parenting and finding our role as a husband and wife.”
“Yes,
starting from speaking to each other in our second language to dealing with so
many cultural differences, which we don't realize until they actually happen.”
“Even
though we are both fluent in English as our first language, our cultural ways
of communicating and resolving conflict are very different.”
“Yes!
Having his family in a different country and having to travel many hours by
plane to get there is a lot. Not having them with us is the most difficult.
Culture for his father, who is now in our country, is very difficult, and this makes
it difficult for us as well. Taking care of his needs has been a struggle. He
thinks differently, and therefore, it is challenging. These types of things can
be very hard, but we trust fully on the Lord to guide us.”
“I
feel we faced a lot of things before we were married, so that has made our
marriage stronger than many between those of the same race/ethnic background.”
“I
think it's more of the culture rather than the skin color. Many people of the
same skin color have different upbringings. My husband and I may have different
skin colors, but we were both raised in good, solid Christian homes, so we had many similarities. Our parents and
pastor looked at the character and work ethic of the potential spouse rather
than the color of his/her skin. Why should a brown-skinned Mexican marrying a
white-skinned American looked at as "not okay" but a white-skinned
Norwegian and white-skinned American looked at as "okay." Don't both
examples have a mix of cultures?”
“I
was raised in the same culture and language as my husband because I was a MK
(missionary kid) here, so our adjustment was not as difficult.”
“We
had a good premarital counsel and we were prepared for differences, so we were
ready and able to work through them.”
“All
marriages have issues that need to be worked through, but coming at marriage
from two different cultures definitely added to the mix!”
“I am
from one ethnic group, and my husband is from another ethnicity. Even though
his family has lived in the U. S. for a couple of generations and his parents
were saved during his childhood, they retained much of their culture and
mindset. The expectations on us, from extended family involvement to food
tastes to the definition of honoring your parents came from drastically
different mindsets. I do think it posed extra hurdles, and it surprised us,
since we hadn't realized how diverse our cultures had really been. We grew up
in the same town and church. But, those differences and the skills we learning
navigating them have served us well in the life calling God has given us.”
“Different
traditions and upbringings mean different ways to view and analyze every
situation in life. It is difficult to understand why one of us reacts a certain
way to specific situations without understanding the cultural background behind
the reaction and how culture influences our lives in drastically different
ways.”
“I
think the language barrier between my spouse and parents has been an added
difficulty in our marriage. While both parties appreciate each other, they have
not been able to bond and grow a relationship. I still have to interpret and
the conversation feels impersonal and lacks flow. There are lots of awkward
silence moments or the opposite. Sometimes I can barely finish translating
because they have thought of the next thing to say, which is stressful for me
as the interpreter.”
“It's
a mixed bag really. We're were both saved and serving in the same denomination
of churches before we met, so we had a lot in common where it was most
important. We do have to deal with extended family being spread around the
world. Language at family gatherings can be an issue.”
“Yes,
as I went to live in his country and had to learn the language and customs of
his country. Through the years we have learned to give and take, so that both
of our languages, cultures, and customs can be entertained.”
Q Do you think the Bible indicates that people from different ethnic groups
and skin tones may marry each other? If so, can you give any examples?
A
Yes. 39%
No. 9%
Examples
from the Bible:
Ruth and Boaz: 9 participants mentioned them.
Moses and his Ethiopian wife: 9 mentions
Rahab and her husband: 2 mentions
Esther and Xerxes: 1 mention
Joseph and Asenath: 1 mention
“I
believe that as long as both parties are believers and aren't unequally yoked,
then marrying into a different ethnic group is not wrong. The main thing is
that both man and woman need to be believers.”
“We are all the same ‘kind.’ God created Adam
and Eve, and they were to multiply in the earth. Then, at the tower of Babel,
He separated the people and that's when we got different languages. The skin
tones/features are a result of the DNA and world climates, etc.”
“God
defended Moses and his wife. We are all of ‘one blood.’”
“In 2
Corinthians 6:14, Paul exhorts believers to only marry believers. The line for God
is a religious line, not a racial line. In Galatians 3 and Colossians 3, Paul
establishes the equality of all people regardless of race, ethnicity, or social
background, since we are all under Christ. The Old Testament prohibitions for
the Israelites (like Deuteronomy 7:1-6) are prohibitions against intermarrying
between religions/faith, so skin tone is not the issue. Moses’ wife was another
race than he, and Aaron and Miriam were punished by God for criticizing it
(Numbers 12). The whole story of Ruth exemplifies a foreigner marrying into a
Jewish family. (In fact, she is a part of Christ's lineage.) James 2:1-10
indicates that there is no place for favoritism or judgment based on race in
the life of a Christian.”
“God
said to people to go and multiply, and we are all coming from the same federal
head, Adam. And then God said cover the earth, which has lead to all the
differences.”
“In
Scripture, it's never about different ethnicity in and of itself being a
problem, but about the other beliefs, idols, and religions from foreign nations
competing with God and turning hearts away from Him.”
“I
believe that as saved we are one in Christ, regardless of skin color or
cultural difference.”
“An
intercultural marriage may have more need for flexibility and communication
over ‘little things,’ but if both are children of God, there's a precedent for
it being acceptable to God.”
“The
human race is one race. Ruth married Boaz who was not from her country. Rahab
married into the lineage of king David, but she was from Jericho. Who knows
what the descendants of Noah looked like, but they married each other and had
children.”
Q How has your marriage
enriched your life? (Check all that apply.)
A I have learned about my
partner’s way of thinking. 80%
I have learned to accept everyone as
equals. 43%
I love my partner’s culture and feel that
the blend of cultures is positive. 73%
I love my spouse, and my spouse loves me.
It’s wonderful! 82%
Food! I’ve learned to prepare/enjoy my
spouse’s favorites. 68%
Travel. We’ve visited both countries
together. 64%
Our children appreciate their roots. 48%
Q If you have children, have
you found it necessary to explain your multi-ethnic marriage to them?
A Yes. 22%
No. 78%
This is very interesting,
isn’t it! Let’s
sum up what we’ve learned from our participants. Remember, they’re all married
to someone who’s not from the same ethnicity.
- No
one thinks it’s wrong to marry someone out of his ethnic group.
- Four participants think it’s against the
Bible to marry someone with a different skin tone.
- The
Bible says all men are equals, and it’s important to marry within the same
faith—that believers should only marry believers.
- Everyone
seems to agree that marriage takes giving, taking, and an effort to communicate
clearly.
- It
seems that cultural and language differences are the biggest hurdles couples
had to overcome.
- It’s
interesting that those who’ve been married many years indicate they’ve overcome
the barriers, and they actually embrace their differences.
So, what does the Bible say on
this subject?
Are my guests right, or are they a little bit softer on this subject, since
they’re inter-ethnically married themselves?
As my participants said, God
blesses the institution of marriage. He defended Moses’ marriage to a black woman from
Ethiopia (Numbers 12:1-9) and all other marriages between believers. There are many
inter-ethnic marriages in the Bible, including those mentioned by my guests.
Some additional ones are: Solomon and the Shulamite (Song of Solomon 1:5-6
describes her as black.); Timothy,
whose father was Greek and mother was a Jewish believer; and I’m probably missing someone. (If so, please feel free to comment
and enlighten me!) God never seems to take into
account any difference in skin color. As the participants said, we are all
descendants of Adam and Eve. By Noah’s time, his three sons might have had
different skin tones—Ham means “dark” and Japheth means “fair”—and there are
more variations today. The Bible says:
- But the LORD said unto Samuel,
Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have
refused him: for the LORD seeth
not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD
looketh on the heart
(1 Samuel 16:7).
- For there is no respect of
persons with God (Romans
2:11).
- But if ye have respect to
persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors (James 2:9).
God’s Word says that marriage should
only be for couples of the same faith.
- Be ye not unequally
yoked together with unbelievers: for what
fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath
light with darkness?
(2 Corinthians 6:14).
- The wife is bound by the law as
long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be
married to whom she will; only in the
Lord (1
Corinthians 7:39).
Any good marriage requires teamwork. Spouses must make sure
they’re communicating. When they don’t understand each other, they need to talk
it out and ensure they’re on the same page. Then, they make decisions based on
working together and compromise. This goes for any marriage, especially where spouses
are from different cultures and backgrounds.
- Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection (literally: “yielding”) to your own husbands . . . Whose adorning
let it not be that outward adorning
of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the
heart, in that which is not corruptible, even
the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of
great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who
trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands
(1 Peter 3:1, 3-5).
- Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with
them according to knowledge,
giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
There are also complications for children, when they are “mixed race.” (I personally believe in one race, the human race, though there
are obvious differences in skin tone.) The challenges are real, and sadly,
society doesn’t always judge people the way God does. I believe the key is for
parents to be aware, explain when appropriate, and protect if needed. Unfortunately,
many people only see skin color and
prejudge others by color only. I asked a mother of a “mixed race” child what
they had experienced with their child, and they have witnessed a difference in
treatment and expectations. Another mom with darker-skinned children withdrew
her children from school and decided to homeschool them, because the black kids
were literally left behind scholastically. It’s important to have the necessary
conversations with our children, school personnel, and sports coaches. Make
sure you look out for your children!
Even back in the old days when I was a
student, I never filled in
the “race” boxes on standardized tests. I felt strongly that it was no one’s
business what color my skin was. (It’s freckled, by the way, and my ancestors came
from several diverse ethnic groups.) I was always tempted to check “other” and
say something like green or purple . . . or Martian!
My husband is from
a Northern, German family, and I’m from the South. Both of our children married
spouses from a different country. Our kids grew up in Spain, and our daughter
married a baseball playing American. Our son’s wife is a wonderful Mexican
girl. I understand cross-cultural adjustments and the process of figuring
out what we’re really saying to each
other. It takes an open mind and a willing heart. It helps that we love our
spouse!
Jesus explained marriage this way:
For this cause
shall a man leave father and mother,
and shall cleave to
his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Wherefore they are
no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God
hath joined together,
let not man put
asunder (Matthew
19:4-5).
